You are hard to put words to.
There are moments I look at you and I still see my quiet, even, little babe who just rode around tucked in your sling, my favorite accessory.
But then I blink. And I'm watching this dynamic infant/child full of yin and yang trying to navigate her wants and needs in this world.
Your vocal chords match your physique. Nothing weak or wimpy about either of them.
It's not that you are high maintenance, but you have only 1 decibel of sound when you have a need or want. And it's loud.
You have already perfected the scream and limp body thrown to the ground when you are unhappy. It is quite the sight to behold. And to be honest, it can take it's toll on me.
It's new territory for me.
It's a part of my daily routine that can not be avoided. And for your sake, I wouldn't want to plan out our days simply based on how to avoid your tantrums. You express yourself passionately, and that is who you are. But we all have to learn how to handle the 'no's' and disappointments in our lives.
Lulah, it's hard.
But you know what I'm realizing? The more challenging the process of teaching you patience and self-control is, the deeper the lessons are felt in my own heart.
You are becoming this huge force of transformation in my life.
And that Lulah, is some good stuff.
That God of ours. He is good and wise.
The stuff that can overwhelm me, defeat me, exhaust me, anger me. He takes it, and if I surrender to Him, He lets it mold and shape me more like Him.
But let me just tell you something else baby girl.
So yes, you scream big. But you love big. You laugh big. You explore big. You cuddle big. You live big. And it is incredible to witness.
I love watching you sleep, taking in every still part of you.
I love watching you play, your every mannerism makes me smile and laugh.
You are hilarious. Barely a year old and you move with this air of confidence. You have no desire to perform or people please. But you have no problem expressing when you are pleased with yourself. Whether it's throwing a ball, "dressing" yourself with whatever fabric you have draped around you, busting out some dance moves, stacking your blocks, or 'reading' your own books. You squish your eyes and nose tight, big open mouth grin, and you squeal and clap your hands.
All you have to do is teeter and stagger into the room and I can't help but smile. When you are not resting on my hip with your hand down my shirt, I just like watching you move through your world.
There are times when it is way too easy to focus on the hard and the challenge. But Lulah, you are so worth the choosing of joy. I choose to be swept up in the joy you bring to our lives.
I'm still your favorite place to rest. You love sitting in your Papa's lap and sharing his food. And you save your biggest, fullest laugh for your sister.
I'm so thankful God make you, you.
Love,
Mama
