12 Weeks

Dear 2^nd Baby,

I thought awhile about how to address you in your letters.

I wanted to differentiate your letters from the ones I wrote to your sister while she was the one growing in my belly.  At first I was afraid calling you the ‘second baby’ would make you seem less important, second best.  How silly am I!  

I am a second born.  And it is a beautiful place to be.

I too, have an older sister.  And I can assure you that Lucy will take the big sister task as seriously as my sister did.  There is so much comfort and strength that comes from having someone walk ahead of you.  But not just anyone, someone whose friendship will span you entire life.  Someone who will have more memories intertwined with yours than anyone you will ever know.

You will learn a lot from your sister, as I’m sure she will from you.

So yes, you are my 2^nd baby!  And what a blessing that is.

The physical 1^st trimester experience has been pretty similar to my last.  My thoughts however, have been on a completely different journey this go around.  

It’s taking a lot longer to really sink in.  And it isn’t as much about the novelty of what it will be like to have and hold a baby.  I’m just flat out excited to meet you and find out what little person is being formed in me this time.  

I know that this time around my world won’t be turned upside down, the way it seems to happen with the first baby.  But you my love, will stretch and grow my world to even new and better and wonderful places.

I look forward to being able to share more and more of my heart with you and your sister.  But here’s a little piece of it I’d like to share now…

I fell in love with backpacking.

I’ve backpacked throughout the Southeast, Northern Minnesota, Montana, and Alaska.  

I’ve spent weekends, weeks, and months in wilderness.  Some places with trails, some without.

Here’s what drew me in.

There’s the physical pain and discomfort that you then transcend and your body becomes stronger and more capable then you ever thought possible.  There’s the peace and tranquility and healthy fear of being in a place where there is nothing made by man.  The sights, the sounds, the smells, are all designed and placed there directly by God.  There’s the self satisfaction of carrying everything you need to live and survive on right there on your back. 
 

You take all that, mix it together and you have a ball of challenging simplicity.  That’s what did me in

The simplicity of it all.  You wake up, pack up, move one foot in front of the other, reach your destination, set up camp, cook over a fire, enjoy a meal that directly feeds a tired and hard-worked body,  you breath in your surroundings, and you go to bed, and start over with the sun.  Simplicity.

That might sound horrible to some people!  But even with such a simple routine, every day was different.  New sights, new challenges, new goals met.  You could take your time, or push through it.  I would feel more pride and fulfillment and sense of accomplishment and purpose during those times.  And it would be such a confusing adjustment to come back to a world where a day spent running errands or checking of lists and ‘accomplishing’ 1,000 different tasks, seemed like I wasn’t doing anything.

I tell you all that, because that is how I feel about being a mother.

Yes, there are so many elements and responsibilities and tasks that make up motherhood.  But deep, deep in the core of my heart, my goal is simple.

To love my children the way Christ has loved me.  To live so that when you look to me, you turn to Jesus.

I’m not called to perfection.  And sweet baby, I am not!  I’m not very organized, or efficient, or even very productive at times.  Yes, these things are important and I will always be striving to be better.  

But that’s not what drives my calling to be a mother.

And let me clarify that simple does not equal easy.  It’s quite often the very opposite.  It’s not the easy that I’m after, just the simplifying.

There will be plenty of challenges, and valleys and mountain tops, and obstacles.  There are with your sister and I know there will be with you, learning to become a family of four.

But I look at Lucy, and I think of you and the simplicity of it all steals my heart over and over.  It’s what allows motherhood to bring peace, and joy, and satisfaction even amidst all the chaos and my shortcomings.

Baby, I will love you.  I will love you unconditionally, I will love you with patience, and I will love you with joy.

Not because I’m this great mother.  But because that is how I am loved by our God.   

I am not perfect.  You will see me fail and grow many times, but HE teaches me patience and joy when I have none.  And forgives… always.  

That’s what I want to offer you.  

That’s the first part of my heart I wanted to share.  I am not and will never be perfect, and child, neither will you be! 

But I serve, and we are loved by a perfect God.  

So take comfort, and grow my sweet baby.

Love,
Mama