Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Dear Lulah {year 1}

Dear Lulah,

Here we are darling.  One year.  A year ago today.  Marking the craziest, most intense 5 hours and 45 minutes of my life. A ride that ended with me clutching you to my chest in our back bathroom tub.  Me full of laughter and shock and relief.  Your father full of adrenaline and pride.  The room full of miraculous love and peace.  A story I told, here.

The story of your arrival is truly one of my most prized treasures.  A lesson in finding the balance between preparing, training, working towards a goal, yet releasing fears and my own plans into the hands of the Author of life.  To work hard for a plan but to be rooted in faith.  Steadfast but adaptable.  It's a balance I try to find at the very core of my being.  A balance I think goes hand in hand with motherhood.

My second daughter, what an aide you have been for learning that very balance of planning and releasing...planning and releasing...planing and releasing...again and again and again.

This past year I've been learning, even more, how incorporating structure and routine can bring peace into a household of littles.  But yet hold on to that with a rigid grasp, and it can make you crazy.

Again, balance.


Lulah, last night I nursed you to sleep and laid you in your crib.  Then laid down next to your sister to wait for her to fall asleep as well.  Like most nights, this is when my mind travels through the events of the day.  The laughter, the fun, the joy.  But I also think on the moments I wish would disappear.  I snapped when I should have had more patience.  I should have handled this differently.  I should have done better with that.  I should have shown more love and grace in that moment.  And I offer up a silent prayer...

Lord forgive me.  Teach me your ways, so my girls can see You.  Protect them from the harm that I can cause.  Erase my ugliness from today and help me start new tomorrow. 

I will always be a mom that needs a Savior.

Last night struck me deeper though. 

Am I being as intentional with your first birthday as I was with your sister's?  Do I show my love equally?  Give my attention equally?  Is that even possible?  The classic wrestle with, 'am I enough?'  I almost ache sometimes wanting you girls to know, truly know, how much I love you.

Wiping away tears, I remember.  The unfailing love and comfort I receive from God.  His goodness.  His faithfulness.  And it's what I want for you and your sister.

As much as I joyfully and gratefully give this season of life to the service of motherhood, and work and strive to do it right and to do it fully...it is not me that will unfailingly provide those things for you.  It is God.  It always comes back to God my dear.
 
But guess what Lulah?  Do you know what I NEVER question?  You are such a gift!

You have blessed me.  Blessed this family.   You have so much love to give and you love to give it.  Having you wrap your squishy little arms around my neck, watching you wrap them around your sister, your dad, family, friends...  And you squeeze.  You genuinely squeeze and pat your hand on my back.  Then you look up grinning, waiting for the, 'Awwwww'.

Love.  It really is the word that just sums you up.

I've been writing down more of the classic 'stats'.  Your weight, your height, your likes and dislikes, and things like that.  I know they will be fun to look back on.    But today, I just wanted to share my heart.

Lulah, it's Spring.  There's a new fresh world for us to explore.  And you have no idea how your world is about to change.  You are on the brink of new abilities, new experiences, new perspectives.  I can not wait to watch your world expand.

Ready again to practice squeezing you tight...and letting a little more go.    

Love,
Mama







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