Come Thou Fount...

Steven is out of town until Tuesday.

For some reason last night, I missed him more then I think I ever have during any span of separation since our relationship together. Of course I always miss him when we are not together. But being an introvert, I require time alone and usually enjoy it. I’m left to my own accord to daydream, read, watch my favorite movies and be absorbed in the company of the characters and stories that constantly play through my head. However last night, I could not shake such an intense feeling of loneliness. I hate those moments, when you can’t even distract yourself with works of fiction because of your own self-analyzing, soul searching nag. Of course, I do believe those moments are quite necessary for personal growth. But as mentioned above, it can feel quite lonely.

I woke up this morning not feeling any better and not able to place exactly why I was feeling this way. But I made a pot of coffee and sat in a quite house not being able to clear my head to read or even watch a movie. So I did what I’ve always done to quiet my thoughts and calm me done. I went to the piano. Or actually a key board, that Steven gave me during our first Christmas together because of how much I talked about missing my piano. I can not quite play as well as I once did, but I pull out my favorite music book and just thumb through playing one song after another, the Hymnal.

I’ve always loved hymns. I love the simplicity of the lyrics and the tunes and I love the history behind them, the story they tell. I will also hold them dear for always, because I cannot sing or play a hymn without thinking of my grandmother, Ida Lou Dunagan. There was not one hymn she could not sing from memory and she would take a simple line of music notes and sit down at the piano and use all 88 keys to turn it into a master piece. And due in part to her, during different struggles and challenges and even the joyous moments in my life, it was always a verse to a hymn that would pop in my head. And I hope to continue to play and sing these hymns as to one day teach them to my children.

My grandmother, Ida Lou

But it was this morning, while singing one of my favorite hymns that as the words came out of my mouth I began to weep, the quiet peaceful kind of weeping. I stopped and just sat there with the words that obviously had struck a chord. It was “Come Thy Fount of Every Blessing,” the third verse.

“Oh, to grace how great a debtor daily I’m constrained to be! Let they goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.”

In the midst of such a happy time in my life; a union with a loving, good-hearted man, my sister’s growing family, my brother becoming a husband, my parent’s enjoyment of reaping the awards of a faithful, loving marriage. Even with all the blessings around me, how is it that my heart can still wander from the One who has given me everything? But it does, and it has. When I’m not with my family, when Steven is not holding me, my foundation has to be my faith in the unseen. But I continue to be thankful that the Lord has and always will forgive me for my wandering heart and always lets me run back to Him.

So here’s to waiting for the man I love to return, and to the hope and prayer that I will love him even more by keeping my heart bonded to the One who loves me and created me.