You'll be 10 months old in a week, but I couldn't wait that long to tell you about this...
Let me start by saying that your dad and I talked about co-sleeping while I was pregnant and liked the idea and thought it made sense. Then once you got here, we couldn't imagine doing anything else. You were our little bear cub and belonged snuggled in between us. And it was perfect for our family. In a month, you were already sleeping through the night. And the next 6 or 7 months was actually the most rested I had felt in a long time.
But over the last month or two, a restlessness started to grow. You began waking a couple of times a night and either wanted to nurse yourself back to sleep or pull yourself on top of me or your dad. And I stopped being able to fall back asleep and would commonly stay awake from 2, 3, or 4 am on.
A shift was happening and we needed to adjust.
But I was terrified. On one hand, I didn't want you to leave our bed. But I knew that wasn't going to equip you for anything. And secondly, the memory of trying to 'nap train' you a couple of weeks ago is still fresh. TWO hours of you standing in your crib, first crying, then fussing, and then what I was pretty sure was you cussing at me. So I couldn't even imagine how long you would fight with a 12 hour stretch in front of you.
But ready or not, here we go.
I had done my research and chose to use a more 'gentle' gradual approach. So the first night we both slept on an air mattress in your nursery. No problem, you can handle that. The next night, I stay on the air mattress with you in the crib. It was do or die.
Before I even released you, the tears began. And so did mine. I laid down on the mattress fighting back tears, trying to make sure my face looked peaceful and serene for you. Everything in me wanted to crawl into that crib and breathe in your scent and curl you into me so that you could drift to sleep. Who cares if you sleep in my arms for your entire childhood?! Then I realized that was neither rational nor beneficial for either of us.
Then I tried to remember, crying is communication. I get really frustrated when I'm tired but can't fall asleep. So that's probably what you're trying to tell me too. But that only holds me together for a brief moment.
Then I revert back to full force prayer. I pray for strength, patience, and wisdom. And I pray for you Lucy, to be wrapped in God's peace and comfort, and rest. And Psalm 23 starts playing through my mind over, and over, and over again.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.He restores my soul.
Here's the short story:
On your first night in your crib, after almost 10 months of napping and bedtime in my arms or by my side, you only cried for 45 minutes. And then my stubborn little angel, you slept on and off sitting up with your head resting on the crib bars for 2 1/2 hours. A couple of times I even caught you just staring at me, no tears. Then you finally decided to allow yourself to lie down, and it was off to dreamland.
I couldn't believe it was done. And then a little sadness crept in with the thought and realization that gone are the infant days of laying down with you as you nuzzle into me to nurse and I watch your eyes start to roll back and your eye lids flutter until you are drunk on milk and sleep. Poof. Just like that we've moved past it.
Oh but soon after, immense pride and joy swells inside of me. Look at you! Big girl learning how to sleep on her own, in her own bed.
Night Two.
Not so well. It was as if my presence was just setting you off. The crying was more intense and went from 45 minutes to 1 1/2 hours. I was a wreck! But your dad and I were realizing that you didn't always respond well to our presence. You didn't take comfort in it, it just frustrated you that you could see me but not get to me. So I left. And went straight down the hall into your dad's arms and cried until you finished crying. And he let me be emotional and completely irrational. And then like that, you were done. Nothing coming from your room but your little breaths and Jewel's lullaby CD.
Lucy, here you are learning how to sleep. But I can't help but feel like I might have learned the bigger lesson. I wanted to hold you and sleep next to you forever. I could handle some of the inconveniences to prevent tears and sobs. But I was watching you become more and more completely reliant on me or your dad to put you to sleep and help you stay asleep and that is a disservice to you.
One of the most basic and fundamental skills I can teach you is how to fall asleep. That's the journey we are on now. But with all my worry, and reading, and preparation, you turned around and taught me that sometimes I might just have to get out of your way and let you do it, my smart little girl.
So to mark such a big occasion, we went out and bought you...your first bow.
I will always be here for you Lucy.
Love,
Mama
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