The White Flag

The White Flag has been waved.

I surrender.

The Nap War is over.

For one month, actually a little over one month, I have followed every method and system out there to teach Lucy to nap in her crib. I read every book, scoured the internet, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed. And for a month I have listened to my baby cry in her crib for her hour ‘nap’ in the morning and her ‘hour’ nap in the afternoon. And yes, I followed every rule. I was methodical and consistent with the routine. She wasn’t budging. The best we could hope for was 10-15 minutes of her slumped over, face smooshed against the bars of her crib “resting.”

I started praying that God would help me with patience and perseverance through this or either give me the wisdom to know when to stop and try something else. But there was my dilemma. Each morning I would think, today is going to be the day! She’s going to get it! And then she wouldn’t. So I would wonder, is this the teaching of patience and perseverance and I push through another day? Or is this the flashing neon sign of wisdom shouting, THIS IS NOT WORKING.

Maybe I’ll wait one more day, tomorrow she’ll get it.

Then today, halfway through the morning tears, something inside me gave. Like a carefully stacked Jenga tower, the one piece was removed and it all came crashing down. I was done. I started asking myself why I had even done this. It was ridiculous. I had turned naptime into a war. Why? In the name of needing time to be productive? How productive is it for me to spend those two hours huddled in a corner of the house curled up in the fetal position with my hands over my ears going, lalalalalalalalalala? And then spending most of the day with Lucy glued to my side because my happy adventurous girl is so tired that she just wants to be held. No, no more. Starting tomorrow I will spend the next few days helping Lucy catch up on all of her day time sleep.

A book, a cup of tea, and a napping baby in my arms? That is productive.

Just by having this revelation, I already feel lighter and the anxiety has lessened its grip on me. Is holding her for her naps the best thing to do? I have no idea. But it's the decision I'm making for my little girl. To make sure she continues to grow and explore her world, alert and well-rested, without puffy dark circles under her eyes.

For this fleeting time, I will hold her. It's why I became a mother. It's moments like this I'm thankful I didn't go back to work. So that while she goes through a phase where she can't nap on her own, I'm here to hold her.

There is a silver lining to all of this. A week into the nap training, we decided to transition Lucy from our bed to her crib at night as well. We weren’t sure if we were ready (notice I said we weren’t ready.) But we thought it would be less confusing to her if all of her sleeping was now done in her crib. After a few nights, she took to it beautifully! She’s getting a full 12 hour night sleep without waking to nurse or anything. The irony, it didn’t help her adjust to napping in her crib at all. The girl has never confused her nights with days.  She has always loved a good night's sleep.

This also opened my eyes to how little of a daily schedule I had with Lucy. I am well aware of the benefits of having a structured daily routine and I enjoy having one. It just doesn’t happen naturally for me. So this has allowed me to create one for Lucy and I think we’re all benefitting from it. I am thankful for the strides made this last month. But Lucy needs me to help her nap right now.

Even my cup of tea today affirmed my new nap time philosophy.

 Do you see what it says?

Wisdom becomes knowledge when it is personal experience.

Pretty profound.

You can have your theories, read all the books and follow all the advice on how to do something right. But seeing how it applies to you, your situation, and your child, is a whole other story.

So I will tuck away everything I've learned from this experience with Lucy. I'm sure a lot of it will come in handy with future babies, and a lot of it won't.

Someone asked me, "What will you do if your next baby is the same way, but you'll also have a toddler to take care of?"

Well, I have no idea. I guess I'll have to cross that bridge when I get to it. But I do have faith that God will provide the rest needed to all of His children, however it comes.

And right now, for Lucy Pearl, that provision is a rocking chair and her Mama's arms.