Mother's Day

I realize it’s almost the end of Mother’s Day, but I’ve spent the whole day holding my baby. That made it a little difficult to type. To be honest, I really don’t feel like a mother yet. I just feel really, really lucky to have this adorable, cute, beautiful doll that I get to make smile and coo, and I hold her while she sleeps, and I clip her little nails, and soak in the tub with her, and pick out her clothes, and feed her when she’s hungry, and go on walks during the day, and sing to her all my favorite songs. But a mother…I don’t quite feel like one yet.

See, I have a mom that sets the bar pretty high. I can’t think about my childhood without smiling. It was amazing, and largely due to the fact that I had a mother fully involved in every aspect of my life. Of course it is also full of memories and tales of my dramatics, middle child woes, and a little teen angst:) But there wasn’t anything I attempted, sometimes failing, or accomplished where she wasn’t there with support, encouragement, advise, and love. And that didn’t stop when I left for college. Adventure after adventure, trip after trip, she stayed excited for me. Even though I know she was worried and sometimes scared to death for my safety. But she knew I was following my heart and growing as a person and what I needed was support and prayers.

And then after college I met a boy and only a few months later was moving 2 hours from home to be with him. Now she had to worry about the safety of my heart. But there was that support. She embraced the man I love from the first time meeting him, the man she had been praying for since I was born. She helped me plan the wedding of my dreams and joyfully, with my father, gave me away to my husband. Joyfully, because I was over the moon happy…and that is what made her happy.

And then last summer I got to tell her I was pregnant. Even with my whole pregnancy still in front of me, she was already in love with my child. Eight weeks ago, Lucy Pearl arrived. I became a mother. But I needed my mother more than I ever had before. Not just because she helped make sure my needs were met, or that she cleaned my house like it had never been cleaned before, or that we were fed for weeks, or even that I could rest because I knew Lucy was as ferociously protected in her arms as in my own. I just needed her. And now I realize that maybe it’s because when I was just a chunky, bald baby she was the person who made me smile and coo, and held me when I slept, and clipped my nails, and soaked in the tub with me, and picked out my clothes, and fed me when I was hungry, and took me on walks and sang to me.

Happy Easter!

What a beautiful day! Lucy's first Easter. I have no idea how many times I've heard the story of the sacrifice and price that Jesus paid for my sins, it definitely does not get old. But it was something else hearing it this morning while holding Lucy in my arms. Holding her takes worship to a whole new level.



Lucy also got a surprise from the Easter Bunny today...

Her very own garden! Filled with sweet potatoes, squash, cucumbers, peppers, tomatoes, lettuce, okra, carrots, onions, and bush beans. Now that's an Easter basket :)



I have always loved Easter and I hope Lucy does too. I look forward to the time when Lucy can begin to understand what this day really represents.

Jesus thank you for saving me.

And here's to kept promises, fresh beginnings, and new life...

Lucy Pearl

Dear Lucy,

I had planned on continuing to write you a weekly letter once you were born. You are now 5 weeks old. Whoops. But you see, it would have required me to put you down and stop staring at you and I haven't been able to do that. I did write a detailed birth story for you that I will share some time. It was amazing. I was told natural labor is like a marathon, and you have 9 months to train. You thought I should run 3 marathons. Contractions starting Wednesday morning on March 9th at 4am and you finally making an appearance Friday March 11th at 5:35am. But man did you come out wide eyed and ready to meet the world. And you haven't been rushed since. You have been such a content happy baby and perfect in every way.

Me, your Mama, on the other hand... What a roller coaster it's been. I had no idea I could cry so much and half the time not even really know why. I mean, your cries don't even hold a candle to mine! And I definitely have you beat in frequency. But how do you know how you will respond when your world is turned every which way for the first time ever? I had such a wonderful time being pregnant with you that I didn't understand all the talk of the crazy hormones...until now. Oh, and the fact that I've been nursing a Piranha for the last month didn't really help the situation either (don't worry, we're getting much better at it!) But your dad, Praise God, is the most incredible man. First, you should have seen him during the labor. He never left my side, and I would have crumbled if he had. He was my strength. Literally, I leaned, hugged, and held on to him for 50 hours. He was meeting all my needs and sometimes it felt like he sensed a contraction coming before I even felt it begin. My heart just swells knowing that he is going to be that kind of strength for you when you go through your own challenges in life. And boy is he obsessed with you! He's crazy about you girl! Total in awe, giddy, bursting with pride, can't stop smiling and laughing in love. And get ready. Speaking from experience, there is nothing like being loved by a dad who finds tremendous joy in being your father.

And then there's family. I pray your dad and I will blanket you with the same love and support and HELP, I've received from my family. Your Nana and Papa call it "circling the wagons." I needed help, so no questions asked, family was there. Circling me with support and encouragement and love (and cooking and cleaning!). To know you're in a family that will protect you and support you by any means necessary is a blessing that I'm thankful you will know too.

Ultimately though, I had to crawl into the arms of my God. A place that I want you to know intimately. It's a place that at times in my life I thought I moved away from, but looking back realize I was always in His grasp. In the last few weeks, there have been quiet times when it's just me holding you and sitting with our God. Lucy, alway make time to quietly sit with Him.

Your birth was an out-of-body, internal revelation all at the same time. But my transformation has been since you've arrived. Postpartum has been a challenge, a physical, emotional, and mental challenge. But every day I'm breaking through a fog and I realize my faith is stronger then the day before. God has been refining me and molding me. I remember praying on my wedding day and while you were inside me that God would teach me truly how to love selflessly. That's what I'm learning. I'm so thankful for you, this miraculous person, whose needs mean so much more than my own. My biggest struggle has been looking at you this perfect baby that the Lord gave me and then wondering why I was the one so weak and broken. A loved one reminded me though that God chose you Lucy to be mine. I am fully equipped to be your mother and God delights in seeing us together. It was such a great reminder that the most important thing is for me to always seek God and love Him with all my heart, period. Baby girl, God has already used you to bring me closer to Him. What a gift. I prayed every day that even while you were in the womb God would fill you with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. You are five weeks old and I seriously can already see these fruits in you. I'm not kidding!

Lucy means light. In the mornings you like when I sing This Little Light of Mine. Lucy I know your light is going to shine. Only 5 weeks old and God has already worked through you. I am filled with intense peace and joy when I think about all I'm going to learn while I watch you grow. What I hope you learn from me? Love. Love the Lord your God with all your heart. Love your family unconditionally. Love God's creation and all who are in it. And love yourself because you, Lucy Pearl, are fearfully and wonderfully made. You don't believe me?

Check these out...


You're unbelievable kid.


Love,
Mama

Soon...

Dear Baby,

Technically you won't be 39 weeks until tomorrow. But I thought I might go ahead and share something with you this week that other people have asked me about as well.

It’s pretty much a given that when people find out they are pregnant, they also find out if they’re having a boy or girl before the baby comes. Your dad and I chose not to. Some people think that’s crazy, some people think it’s pretty cool. But just in case you’re curious one day as to why, here’s a little of what was going on in my head and my heart and why I’m thankful I followed that feeling.

When we found out we were pregnant, we threw the idea out there about not finding out your sex and soon after I had a total peace about that being the route we would take. And once we decided, I simply didn’t consider any other option. It became overwhelmingly satisfying just knowing that you were part me, part your dad, part generations of family, and were being knit together by God. That was enough. It’s like it allowed me to just simplify. My thoughts were consumed with praying for your health and design, for the gifts and talents you would receive. Praying that even while inside my womb, God would fill you with love, joy, peace, and all of those Fruits of the Spirit. And it was just taking care of me and this baby growing inside. Your dad feels the same way. It hasn’t been about whether he’s going to have a son or a daughter; he gets to become a father.

But I’m not going to lie. When friends or family announce they’re expecting, there is part of me that hopes they find out because I want to KNOW! :) But that’s kind of how we’ve become with everything, we just want to know and we want to know immediately.

I've had some people ask how you plan a nursery without knowing. Well, just like you, your room is part me and my favorite things, part your dad and things that he loves, part things past down from family, and then we’ve left room to add things you like too once we meet.

And yes, it would be neat to call you by name those last months of growing in my belly.

But here’s how your dad and I see it too...

When you decide you’re ready to come, your dad will be there to literally help ‘catch’ you :) He then gets to lay you on my chest and tell me that we have a son or we have a daughter. Then during those next moments, your first moments of life outside of me, I’m going to hold you and feed you and look into your eyes, and talk to you and then your father and I will say “Hi, it’s so nice to finally meet you…”, and you’ll be given a name. And I know I will be changed forever. So baby here’s to that moment!

I’ll meet you soon…

Love, Mama

38 Weeks

Dear Baby,

A lot has been going on since I last wrote, besides you and me continuing to grow.

Your cousin Martin turned One! We had a fantastic party surrounded with family and it was just crazy to think that this time next year I'll be planning your first birthday.
Oh, and this beautiful woman here, your Great Grandma, turned 85!



Your Great Aunt Sandra also hosted a baby shower in your honor at the Governor's mansion.
It was incredible how many things we received for you! Your dad and I were overwhelmed and were reminded how blessed we are. I'm so excited for you to meet all these friends and family who have already been so supportive and generous with helping us prepare to welcome you.

But the biggest thing was when your Nana and Papa came to visit and we got to put everything together. Your Nana brought all the finishing touches that she has been sewing for your room and then we put everything in it's place. Kid…it looks amazing!!! Nana also helped me with my checklist of things still needed before you arrive and she helped organize everything we already have. You'll find that she is very good at that. And having that kind of help lets me stay in La La Land just thinking about you :) But we are ready, ready, ready. We are absolutely ready for you! This doesn't mean rush though, you take your time and continue to plump and come when you're ready.

Oh, and it's March. We get to meet you this month.

You are so loved.



Love, Mama

Week 36

Dear Baby,

36 divided by 4 equals 9. This is the first day of our 9th month of pregnancy. That is pretty awesome. Your dad and I have been going to our natural birthing classes for five weeks now and have learned so much about this incredible experience and how God has perfectly designed everything to work, from the preparation that you will begin going through, to the preparation and changes my body will go through from now until you arrive. But we still have lots of things we'll be learning in the weeks to come. It's amazing what a little faith combined with good ol' fashion information will do to put a person at ease. I am so excited and filled with peace about what we will soon be going through together. And you better believe your dad and I are preparing! I've been doing all my stretches and exercises and your dad's been making sure I eat right and we walk every evening. He's also been working on relaxation techniques with me…as well as dealing with a sudden increase in my sensitivity and ability to create tears lately. But that's nothing for you to worry about, your dad is a very patient man. We also finished writing our birth plan last week, and we are so happy with our Nurse Midwife and Doula that will help us bring you into the world. There are still things for us to take care of before your arrival, but I'm having a hard time feeling like there's anything more important I should be doing then just simply waiting for you. You are definitely worth the wait.

Love,
Mama

Valentine

Dear Baby,

Happy Valentine's Day! I will definitely be asking you to be my Valentine next year (I'm sure your dad won't mind). I got to celebrate a little early this year. Two years ago your dad was the first to receive the Young Heart of the Community award. It basically means he has a big ol' heart and is constantly giving back and serving others. Well, they throw a nice fancy party where they present these awards and we get to dress up and enjoy dinner and dancing. Since he still helps set everything up, I got to go as his date again this year. Getting dressed up in a formal gown at 35 weeks pregnant did have it's challenges. But it was a wonderful date. Your dad cleans up nice I'd say :) And I did love having you with me as well.



And as much as your dad is involved in the community, I realized that night there are quite a lot of people excited about your birth and ready to meet you.

We're getting close...so close.

Love, Mama